Being part of Gen Z and the media we consume and produce, I can’t help but notice how much of an issue my generation has with being insecure. This might not come as a big surprise, especially since we’re the first to grow up surrounded by social media and the internet. All it takes is ten minutes of scrolling on TikTok or Instagram and you’ll quickly understand what I’m trying to point out.
(Source: @William_Li/YouTube, TikTok)
Have you ever heard of “bonesmashing”? Perhaps one of the most ridiculous terms I’ve come across while researching for this post, it is a technique meant to improve your facial features by hitting the bones in your face with a hard object, in the hope that it will heal and grow stronger. There really are guys out there who believe that’s necessary in order to become attractive or get a girlfriend. While most people may not go to those kinds of extremes, it is evident that many young people in particular suffer from some kind of insecurity related to whatever part of their persona. So how do we tackle the problem?
The Roots
The best way to solve a problem is to understand it. Before we can tackle a specific insecurity, let’s try to see how insecurities emerge in general.
You may have heard from your grandma or your parents or whatever other authority you had while growing up that comparison is the thief of joy. Turns out they were quite spot on.
In order for an insecurity to form, there must be some sort of contrast. You can’t be self-conscious about being short if there are no tall people for you to compare yourself with. At a certain point in our lives we are exposed to certain traits or characteristics other people have. Since our society highlights those specific features, we automatically become insecure if we do not fulfill some of them. These can be physical attributes, but also character traits, such as intelligence, confidence, social skills, etc. We believe we are not good enough the way we are, so we do our best to cover that insecurity.
That’s the reason a lot of women wear make-up and a lot of men start going to the gym. Obviously the reasons for that may change over time; you start to value the way you look as a woman regardless of others’ opinions and the gym turns into something that helps your physical fitness and self improvement. At the same time we can’t ignore the fact that the reason a lot of people are attempting to change is because they are extremely unhappy with the way that they look or feel at the moment.
Not all insecurities need to be physical though. Sometimes we may become overly self-aware because of the way we behave or the attitudes we show repeatedly. An example is people who are insecure about their intelligence. Oftentimes they would rather not give a hundred percent for an upcoming test and get a C than try hard and get a B. This way they prove to themselves that it isn’t that they’re not smart, they just didn’t want to try.
This leads us to the other source of insecurity: ego. In order to make ourselves feel better, we ascribe certain abstractions to ourselves. That is precisely what building our ego is. Take any phrase that you say about yourself that starts with “ I am …” and you’ll see what I mean.
Reality tends to contradict many of the ideas we have about ourselves. That is also a way that insecurity can be formed. If you strongly believe that you are the best basketball player in your state, but you end up facing a far more impressive opponent, this will hurt your ego. And what do we do when our ego is being attacked? We soothe it. We look for validation from the outside that we are the way we believe we are. Or if the outside is not satisfying enough, we simply attempt to change it. “He hasn’t scored that many points anyways” or “His teammates did all the work for him”. This way we can be sure that it isn’t us that is different, but the outside world that makes it look that way. It’s also the reason insecure people are so hungry for validation. It’s all a way to reaffirm what your ego believes.
Overcoming your insecurity
Insecurities can be fixed by getting rid of what makes us insecure. You could for instance bleach your teeth if you’re insecure about them being too yellow. But that won’t make you less insecure. You will get a lot more out of it if you focus on overcoming the insecurity. What can you do to make that happen?
Starve the insecurity
Whatever your insecurity is, it can only keep on living if you feed it. What exactly does that mean? Let’s say you feel uncomfortable about your weight. By wearing baggy clothing and not going in places where your body is somewhat exposed, e.g the beach, you allow that insecurity to win over you. The train of thought is alway the same: comparison leads to negative emotion, negative emotion leads to insecurity, covering up the insecurity leads to more temporary peace but makes the insecurity grow in the long term.
Instead, change the power dynamics between you and the insecurity. The next time you feel uncomfortable, don’t try to get rid of that feeling. Accept it and feel it. If you feel like you can’t leave the house without make-up, don’t allow that feeling of self-awareness to boss you around. Get out of the house without anything on your face. If you feel like you can’t take your shirt off at the pool, don’t play into that. Take the shirt off, even if it feels strange. Soon enough you’ll realize the problem was a lot bigger in your head than in reality. It’s not about not being scared, it’s about being scared and still pushing through. That’s courage, and that’s something that people admire and something that you should also give yourself credit for.
Being secure doesn’t mean staying stagnant
You’ve done the work on yourself. You’ve managed to get over what you were insecure about. But doesn’t that lead you to remain where you’re at? At the end of the day you’re comfortable the way you are now, so why change? Not quite.
Two things can be true at once. You could either try to fix an insecurity instead of overcoming it. You could also just focus on getting over it and becoming fine with the person that you are. You could also do both. It’s the mental frame that you approach the issue with that matters. You need to be comfortable with who you are now and be eager to improve. Acknowledge the fact that you are a certain way and make it obvious to yourself that you’re going to act towards changing it.
“One of the greatest journeys in life is overcoming insecurity and learning to truly not give a shit.”
― J. A. Konrath